god, I want to feel again

God, I want to feel again. What a dangerous prayer, but how necessary it is in a world that is too fake, too numb, too dull. How precarious this existence is and how fragile our hearts: when I ask to feel something, I’m scared I will regret it. That it will be too much for me to handle; that to feel requires love, requires vulnerability, requires we offer up the deepest parts of ourselves to be judged, drowned, and rejected by the world. What a unfair trade: to feel the elation of human existence, to feel joy, is to know that at any moment it could be ripped away. What a scary thought: that to feel as deeply as God will allow without letting me break means to feel in ways my soul never imagined it would bend. How gut-wrenchingly terrifying: this is what God calls us to— to love others, to expose ourselves completely, to willingly lay out our souls, to let Him step into the most broken parts and use those to speak to the broken parts in others, to put our pain, our fears, our hopes on display so others wont feel so alone. How unbelievable it is: God calls us to feel let down, defeated, and utterly destroyed, in order to feel lifted up, worthy, whole, and loved. But what a gift it is to feel: To experience the freedom and clarity that comes from extending forgiveness to others. To get to mentor and share wisdom with the generations that will love long after we return. To relive through memory the laughter of a loved one. To be welded with another human in relationship. To feel like we are not alone, to feel like we belong. What a privilege. What an honor to be able to listen to another human heartbeat with intention and focus. God, I want to feel again. How terrifying: what a prayer, what a love.